I’m only making my culture from now. I have never had culture which I could call my own. The thing is, absolute sad thing as it is, is that it takes long time to make a culture.
I will be 70 years old when I finally know I’ve made my own culture and can somehow enjoy it. Then I will be dead.
What enjoyment can there possibly be? It’s a sheer pain and tears to make your own culture, to make others convinced, to change the world around you.
I am doomed in that sense and I have no hope. I know that.
But it’s ok. If you are my friend.
This Painful Way of Life
When you really appreciate someone, you know, when you really feel someone is important and close to you, you can’t really invade their space. Regardless how pleasant time you’ve had, at the end, you’ve got to be detached, cool, or like, whatever, you know.
In that way I think that always, time after time, my loneliness is a state where I fall in naturally, like my shape fits that hole only. I feel like I’m the extra piece that’s just lying down there.
Being in any kind of group for extended period of time makes me feel even physical pain. No matter how dear the people are, if there is more than one person at the time, I’m going to get into pretty bad shape. I get panic attacks, I have trouble breathing and I make all kinds of mistakes and confuse words. It’s totally awful and I try to hide it with my own expense.
This used to be the reason why I always liked to drink in parties because it gave temporary relief to my pain of being in the group. And I overdid it quite few times. But you can’t really keep up doing that either because it’s going to mess up your life. So I’ve decided to manage without.
I might be a tortured soul in a classic way, you know, I take the search of my own beauty very seriously and all that what you’ve heard thousand times about “feeling the pain”; I think I really want to face that honestly and strongly.
And sometimes I want to punish myself.
But you know, I don’t mean to harm myself, instead I try constantly to protect myself. When I’m in my valleys, like right now, it takes significant effort just to wake up from that two hour’s restless sleep. I lose my appetite as well, and I might just as well drink hot water because I can’t tell any difference with any other stuff, but it’s all fine.
I feel it is the natural way to exist for me and it is the time when great inspiration comes. It hurts like hell but at least I’m alive.
So, perhaps, these valleys are not valleys but peaks actually.
Shooting of Island Mother
Yesterday I had chance to shoot a project Island Mother with beautiful Saeko Nakahara in Enoshima. I have been preparing this project for three years.
It was totally amazing. Her sheer talent as an artist and intelligence really moved me. We had delicious pancakes after the shoot in the cafe up on the rocks.
The photos of Island Mother will be published in Here Sometimes this summer.
Beacons
You know the kind of lights you see over the night sea, the tiny lights your eye can barely see, beacons in against the dark horizon of the water. There are only few of those, and they keep sending their signal to the empty sea.
Those are the kinds of lights I like to see. Their faint signal barely reaches you, and they exist alone in the dark ocean.
People crossing the bridge look at the opposite shore where there are glittering lights of a city and traffic and they scream “oh beautiful!”. But I like to look at the opposite direction, into the darkness.
Sometimes faintest things are the strongest.
Regarding my post "I Fear the Cold Wind of the Society"
I wrote to JPG Mag self-portrait title “I Fear the Cold Wind of the Society”. For my happy surprise, I received some encouraging words from my fellow photographer Maya:
http://jpgmag.com/photos/3299575
What I meant by that title wasn’t really as melancholic as it turned out to be, and I certainly didn’t mean Japanese society, but all societies in general, regardless of location or country.
I was bullied in school, you know, and compulsory army service wasn’t exactly the nicest experience for me either, and both of them, during the years of my youth, represented a kind of society. And I guess I’ve never really been able to adjust into any kind of society.
And I am easy to get panic attack if I have to operate under pressure in front of many people.
But as Maya wisely wrote: “Be a tree of wholeness rather than a tree in the forest.”
I feel somehow comforted by this wisdom. We don’t have to belong to the group in order to operate within one. And we can always leave if we feel so.
Ideas for Self Portraits
Taking self portrait is interesting. It takes usually plenty of shots until you can really get into that magical zone when things start to come. In first photos you are always nervous, but the tension is released when you keep pressing the shutter.
I took this image using a self made rig of tripod and monopod. My Fujifilm X100 is light enough to be propped this way, and it just works great.
Digital cameras nowadays really have the advantage of using high ISOs with very little noise, so usually you really don’t need to use flash unless the subject is moving fast.
Remember to have fun and experiment. That’s what photography is all about.
PS. The title of this photo is “Shrimp Dreamer”. My pose in this photo is actually a yoga pose “shrimp” which was taught by my yoga teacher.
Don't Forget to Be The Artist
Since most of us creators have gadgets and devices that we need to manage, we often forget the most important, to be the artist.
It makes a lot of sense to step back from the glowing screen and go to another room with simple pencil and sketchbook.
There’s something fundamentally wrong with the digital devices. They mess up with our creativity.
Computers are still just what they once were, digital devices capable of managing lots of data, and they have no creativity whatsoever built into them. Computers have limits. You are the creator with no limit.
It’s easy to forget nowadays that we are artists. Although we take advantage of digital tools, we shouldn’t forget who we are; artists with infinite potential.
It was snowing this morning
I came to my wife’s hometown Ise couple of days ago. Since this is very local place and foreigners are a rare sight here, I must admit I have been a bit nervous sometimes to take a walk outside with my camera.
In some strange way, I have been worried I get into some trouble, or that people wouldn’t accept my existence. You know how closed agricultural society can be.
But this morning as it was snowing, I was greeted by elderly lady just nearby the house, you know she had warmest, most heartfelt smile, and she just kept talking about the weather, and asked how cold it gets in Finland. She treated me just the same as she would treat any other resident of the town, and it was so natural. I felt warm by her kind words.
I realize that there’s no slightest reason to be nervous. People are same everywhere. I am always me and you are always you.
So don’t be afraid to go out and take a picture.
What's Interesting Photo?
You know photos that attempt to tell a story.. Maybe the photo is just a photo of something ordinary, but it’s taken so that it shows the character of the photographer or the subject. Maybe it’s the situation that reveals something, or maybe photographer’s relationship to the context.
But there’s got to be something.
You know that dull feeling of seeing someone’s travel photos for example. Watching boring travel photos feels like a punishment. Photos that document hotel breakfasts, airplane wings or famous landmarks, for example..
While I suppose it’s possible to photograph airplane wing so that it’s interesting; I wish people were just a bit more creative what comes to selecting their subjects.
Immediately when there’s a person inside the frame, the photo becomes much more interesting. Especially if the person is doing something (except posing).
Eye catching photo is always something a bit different. Maybe it’s the geometry or composition of the photo, or maybe it’s the mere situation itself, or unique light.
Decayed buildings, for example used to be interesting, at least until they became a popular trend.There are tons and tons of photos of rotten and rusty buildings and the photos have nothing particularly interesting about them.
So.. context is not enough. A photo must have a soul. It’s not about mastering the technique of the photo, but getting into the right spirit of capturing the moment.
Henri Cartier-Bresson said that “photography is about placing heart, mind and eye in the same line of sight”. It requires understanding of geometry and framing. To achieve this kind of understanding, one must shoot a lot.
Learn the rules and then learn how to break them.
Looking at Leica M6
My ex girlfriend used to carry her M6 with her at all times but she rarely let me touch it. I merely envied her from a distance while she shot beautiful shots with her rangefinder camera. She always talked about “spirit of a photography” and she never carried a digital camera with her, unless she was shooting for a job. I suppose it wouldn’t be too much to say that like for Cartier-Bresson, her Leica was extension of her eye.
My friend borrowed me recently his Leica M6 TTL with 50mm Summilux ASPH.
I am moved, and amazed by this classic, legendary camera.
50mm Summilux ASPH lens has a focusing tab which allows quick focusing with index finger. It feels just right and for me the tab makes huge difference. Only in few days, I learned to approximate distances and adjust the focus roughly, only requiring a fine adjustment when lifting the camera to my eye. Same goes with metering. When shooting with a camera like this, you learn quickly to read light.
Although this camera has metering, the camera works perfectly without any electricity. I assume that pros who use Leica might not even use the metering since the red arrows in viewfinder might only be a distraction.
The viewfinder of M6 is best thing I’ve ever seen and beats my 5D Mark II and Fujifilm X100 viewfinder in clarity and sharpness. Rangefinder focusing is a pleasure, especially after you learn not to block the rangefinder window with your finger while holding the camera..
M6 is also the most solid camera I’ve ever handled. Although this means also that the camera is probably the heaviest compact camera of it’s size, the solid construction has it’s benefits. This is a camera you can take into a war. Brass (or zinc) is really strong material, and the camera is perfectly balanced. It’s very easy to hold this camera steady when shooting and this will result in sharper photos.
You have to hold one in your hand to understand. This camera is built to last a lifetime.
The mechanics of the camera feel assuringly strong as well. Pressing the shutter results a satisfying click, which is not too loud or disturbing. Although my friend’s camera came with a motor winder which is very silent and fast, I realized I rather prefer manually advancing the film by using the lever.
Although loading film is a bit of a nuisance, I find something honest and precise about loading Leica M6. It’s simply built to be as fool-proof as possible.
Since this is a full frame camera (35mm film), 50mm lens gives you plenty of coverage but also plenty of bokeh.
I think 50mm ASPH is probably the lens I would buy for Leica. The lens is razor sharp and I was unable to detect any kinds of artifacts in the image. Even the widest F1.4 aperture is tack sharp. I can’t imagine any kind of lens of this size (being F1.4!) being that sharp wide open. The nine blade aperture gives creamy, soft bokeh. Also the transition between focus and out-of-focus areas is beautiful and natural.
Overall, there is something very natural about the image quality of Leica.
Since the price of M6 came down recently, this camera seems very attractive option for many photographers. Sure, dealing with film is troublesome and also expensive if you shoot a lot.
But if you are serious about photography, I really recommend at least trying out photography with a rangefinder camera. There is something beautiful and artistic about the process of setting everything manually, and it’s possible to find entirely new aspects of photography when shooting with a classic camera such as this.
Unlike when shooting with SLR, nothing will obstruct your vision when you press the shutter. It’s possible to feel much more connected to the scene you’re shooting.
If Cartier-Bresson would be still with us, I would imagine he’d still carry his Leica with him. In today’s world of digital cameras it’s refreshing and delightful to shoot with a camera designed so meticulously to fulfill a single purpose.
Leica M6 is not a calculator. It’s a camera.