Category: Personal

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To Catch a Moment

I have been thinking to start to use digital camera for my photography, after a long break.

Developing and especially scanning film is such a chore. I would take more photos if I have digital camera. Plus, now that I will be full time worker to a Japanese company, I doubt I will have enough time to develop film. Rather than sitting in front of computer scanning film, I’d rather go outside and shoot more.

One of the reasons why I dislike digital is that Flickr groups and descriptions of even really good photographers seem to always mention or focus to the camera, or lens or technique.

“It is important to catch good moments with a camera”, my friend said. Indeed.

Now that I look at the photos I have taken over the years, I really don’t care whether I’ve taken them with digital or film camera. Both are good, and both have their sides.

Enjoy your life and enjoy photographing your life.

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Late October

One year ago I was hospitalized due to a broken vertebra. A friend visited me and presented me a disposable camera. I took pictures with it.

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Be present

I work as 3D modeler for my job. I enjoy it, but it is a work done in computer, in a 2D plane of a screen that I stare. I notice how much my heart is craving for a human contact, and a situation where I can really be myself. Sometimes I feel like I am drifting a away during those prolonged hours of making computer game models.

I was reminded today how important it is to really be present in the moment without a distraction. Photography for me is a kind of relief and therapy in that way, it puts me into the present moment. Be present in a present moment so you can be the present for the world, as I was once told.

World wants you to have your eyes open and be there.

Even though I do enjoy the solitude and doing technical 3D modeling, deep in my heart I am person who enjoys company of people. I am fascinated by people and watching them, and then if there is one source of inspiration for my music and photographs, it must be meeting people.

Somehow, it is so very natural for me to take a photo of a person.

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Leaving Shame

Of all negative human emotions, I believe shame to be the most destructive. It paralyzes us. It damages us. It stops the natural flow of life and creativity. And worst of all, it makes us self conscious and makes us think what others would think of us. This is a powerful inhibitor and will not allow spontaneity anywhere near.

For some reason I cannot understand, artists and creators seem to be especially vulnerable to this. We wish we have better skill. And we are ashamed of not having experience. And being paralyzed in our shame, how can we ever have experience?

Same goes for sexuality, especially male sexuality. For some strange reason men have amazing shame of their feeling or body. Women might be ashamed as well, but I would argue that men are even worse in this, what our very existence is based on. The shame seems to be rooted into abstract and often completely undefined thought that we should be like something what we are not. That’s how conservative people think, their thoughts are usually vague and not concrete; I should be somehow like something else, and others should too.

So what to do? If shame is inhibitor of positive change, we definitely should do something. We need to flow like water.

Someone said once that nothing can exist in nature which is not natural.  So actually shame does not exist. It’s just an illusion. Even the most talented artist was once a rookie. Even the most famous photographer was once a beginner.

If you can know that there is no shame in being beginner, being alive and being horny, you are already free from shame, and you are on your way to bigger waters.

So lets be a hero today and leave shame to the shore where it belongs.

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My Story of School Bullying

When I was in school, I was bullied really badly. Physical violence, even. I could not enjoy school and neither the activities after school. I was more or less alone, most of the time.

Sometimes this painful box is opened and I have to deal with the memory. It really sucks having to do that.

I know myself pretty well and basically I am no longer vulnerable to social ridicule. But here’s the truth; I was not always this strong. I was once a young boy like my five years old is now. I watched the world through those pair of eyes.

I was threatened by those bigger than me and was attacked physically too. Knitted wool hat that my mother made was stomped on puddle of dark November sleet, contents of my school bag emptied to ditch, I was pushed around and knocked over, and a piece of ice was thrown on my head and I lost consciousness and had temporary hearing loss.

School bullying is a problem as serious as war.

Those who bully others are total chicken shit.

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Talk about Women

Whether one cares about women and women’s rights is absolutely linked to the goodness of a person. Therefore I think that those who cannot respect women can’t respect life on earth.

Women are source of life on earth. Without women nobody would exist. Of course without men nobody would exist either but there’s difference; women do the hardest and most important job in making human life possible. After having sex man can take a trip abroad, man’s job is finished; the baby will grow inside woman just the same. Woman can host life, so women have unique insight life on earth. Much has been written about the phenomena of female intuition, sometimes they just have hunch on things that men cannot, frightening insight, even..

My father used to say “women exist only on the purpose to be enjoyed by men”. I was quite upset about this, I was about fourteen I think. I disagreed. I was bullied in school quite badly, and then I thought how awful his words are, as that means men can actually bully women. What a horrible bullshit are those words. Women must be protected and loved and admired.

But then, I do not by any means think women are weaker than men. Women are in many ways more flexible, thus they don’t break as easily as men. Again I think this is because of the “superpowers” of women; the strange intuition.

If feminist agenda is that women must have be able to do same thing as man, then I think it’s missing it’s point. I can’t understand women who opt-in to the military service in Finland. In Finland men and women are already equal and this does not need proving. Sure addition of women makes the nuisance and stupidity of army more tolerable for the men in there, but willingly joining such activity and risking one’s god given healthy body is beyond my understanding.

As a photographer I wish I can help to support women and their unique beauty. After all I was made by one, so I want to say thanks.

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Doctor

I went to have my x-rays. It seems that the situation of my lower vertebrae has not changed, the disc seems somewhat crushed, which causes inflammation. The doctor said it’s not bad enough for an operation to be necessary, but I should definitely take a rest and maybe consider taking medicine.

I decided to bear the pain and not take a medicine. I want to know what my body is telling me.

Pain is just a signal, and obscuring it wouldn’t feel right. I know my body is not stupid; it knows what it’s doing. Also drugs for this sort of thing makes me super sleepy and unable to really function. And I have to take care of my son.

For some reason I have dreamed of horses recently. I feel sad because I know I may not be able to ever ride one. I tried it before but my back instantly got hurt, even when just mildly trotting. Somehow the sitting position in the saddle was just not good for me.

But a thought came to my mind this morning. Maybe a horse could understand how I feel.  They carry humans weight on their backs but are still elegant and free. Horse’s pride is not obnoxious, it’s natural and beautiful.

Yes.. maybe a horse could understand.

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Blue Monday

I have backache. Sometimes I get this piercing pain in my lower back, which feels like someone puts a knife between my vertebrae, I feel like electric is traveling down my left leg.

This is old injury I got when I was in compulsory military service in Finland. I fell into this black hole in forest in a kind of obstacle course. I said to the instructor that I’ll never make the leap. Of course it’s army so they made me do it, and I fell, three meters total, from top of the barrier to the damn hole. I was carrying a shovel on my back and it was left under my back, and my lower vertebrae took my weight, plus the shit I was carrying.

I am lucky to be able to walk. It seems the disc between the vertebrae was slightly damaged, I got very high fever and it hurt like hell for a month, but the nerve itself was not at least permanently damaged.

For most of the time I am fine. But sometimes the pain comes back, sometimes just due to the weather conditions. And trampolines and horses are out of question for me, because my back can’t seem to take the up&down movement.

It haven’t been this bad for a while, for several years at least. So I must go to hospital tomorrow to check it out and possibly get some medicines to ease the pain.

It’s hard to explain the pain by words. Pain is never just physical thing. It gets in your head, you can’t just say that my pain is in the scale of 8, because the scale is different.

Personally, I would very much like to forget the damn incident. Hell, I think I am entitled to some kind of compensation from Finnish government since as I was performing duty for my country I got permanent damage to my body. But I’m realist enough to realize it’s a lost cause to fight a battle I can’t win.

As I am taking care of my child alone, I have to find a way to take him to kindergarten tomorrow and then get myself to doctor. Walking is possible for small distance but it’s painful, and bicycle too. And it’s hard to imagine taking a taxi as sitting into the low vehicle is pure agony.

I don’t know if doctor can do anything as I’ve been to doctor many times over this, but I figure getting the painkillers wouldn’t hurt and maybe x-rays to see if the bones are basically where they should be.

I just have to be strong for now.

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Pictures; My Debt

I went to Yoyogi park today to take pictures of girls. The weather was rainy so the park was almost empty. As we crossed the park through forest, it felt like scene from X-Files.

The model and her friend were both so unique and attractive people, and both of them were no strangers to camera and being photographed. So I could be myself naturally and press the shutter. Despite the rain, it was very comfortable time.

Taking pictures like this, even if it’s just once a while, is like a lifeline to me. I feel re-connected to the world and I can feel like I’m myself again. Using too much computer and not going out with my camera is definitely bad for my health (and for my back which has been rather painful these days).

I am forever in debt to those whose photo I can take. The only way to pay back this debt is to make good use of the images and make sure they are seen by people.

Indeed, it is my wish to be able to hold photo exhibition again. I skipped last year entirely, so I hope I can make something happen before this one is finished.

Anyway, tonight I developed first roll of the 72 images I shot today, and I am really delighted to see the result of exposed Fomapan 400, a film stock which I received from my friend in Czech Republic (Thanks Yoshimi!)

To photograph, is to see with one’s heart.

(Photos courtesy of Ito-san, a talented hair-makeup artist and photographer)