Blue Monday

I have backache. Sometimes I get this piercing pain in my lower back, which feels like someone puts a knife between my vertebrae, I feel like electric is traveling down my left leg.

This is old injury I got when I was in compulsory military service in Finland. I fell into this black hole in forest in a kind of obstacle course. I said to the instructor that I’ll never make the leap. Of course it’s army so they made me do it, and I fell, three meters total, from top of the barrier to the damn hole. I was carrying a shovel on my back and it was left under my back, and my lower vertebrae took my weight, plus the shit I was carrying.

I am lucky to be able to walk. It seems the disc between the vertebrae was slightly damaged, I got very high fever and it hurt like hell for a month, but the nerve itself was not at least permanently damaged.

For most of the time I am fine. But sometimes the pain comes back, sometimes just due to the weather conditions. And trampolines and horses are out of question for me, because my back can’t seem to take the up&down movement.

It haven’t been this bad for a while, for several years at least. So I must go to hospital tomorrow to check it out and possibly get some medicines to ease the pain.

It’s hard to explain the pain by words. Pain is never just physical thing. It gets in your head, you can’t just say that my pain is in the scale of 8, because the scale is different.

Personally, I would very much like to forget the damn incident. Hell, I think I am entitled to some kind of compensation from Finnish government since as I was performing duty for my country I got permanent damage to my body. But I’m realist enough to realize it’s a lost cause to fight a battle I can’t win.

As I am taking care of my child alone, I have to find a way to take him to kindergarten tomorrow and then get myself to doctor. Walking is possible for small distance but it’s painful, and bicycle too. And it’s hard to imagine taking a taxi as sitting into the low vehicle is pure agony.

I don’t know if doctor can do anything as I’ve been to doctor many times over this, but I figure getting the painkillers wouldn’t hurt and maybe x-rays to see if the bones are basically where they should be.

I just have to be strong for now.