When you really appreciate someone, you know, when you really feel someone is important and close to you, you can’t really invade their space. Regardless how pleasant time you’ve had, at the end, you’ve got to be detached, cool, or like, whatever, you know.
In that way I think that always, time after time, my loneliness is a state where I fall in naturally, like my shape fits that hole only. I feel like I’m the extra piece that’s just lying down there.
Being in any kind of group for extended period of time makes me feel even physical pain. No matter how dear the people are, if there is more than one person at the time, I’m going to get into pretty bad shape. I get panic attacks, I have trouble breathing and I make all kinds of mistakes and confuse words. It’s totally awful and I try to hide it with my own expense.
This used to be the reason why I always liked to drink in parties because it gave temporary relief to my pain of being in the group. And I overdid it quite few times. But you can’t really keep up doing that either because it’s going to mess up your life. So I’ve decided to manage without.
I might be a tortured soul in a classic way, you know, I take the search of my own beauty very seriously and all that what you’ve heard thousand times about “feeling the pain”; I think I really want to face that honestly and strongly.
And sometimes I want to punish myself.
But you know, I don’t mean to harm myself, instead I try constantly to protect myself. When I’m in my valleys, like right now, it takes significant effort just to wake up from that two hour’s restless sleep. I lose my appetite as well, and I might just as well drink hot water because I can’t tell any difference with any other stuff, but it’s all fine.
I feel it is the natural way to exist for me and it is the time when great inspiration comes. It hurts like hell but at least I’m alive.
So, perhaps, these valleys are not valleys but peaks actually.